Domestic Violence

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Permalink Reply by LadyBriana on July 25, 2008 at 3:24pm

COVE and the Women's Shelter are one and the same. Anyone wanting to donate to this most excellent organization should definitely contact COVE.

I personally believe that a lot of the problems with Domestic Violence is that too many people (general public) are not properly educated in what exactly it is and how to deal with it. My own personal experiences have taught me that my own mother's refusal to believe that my now ex was abusive to not just me, but our children (especially our son) is not only that she is not exactly one of the brightest bulbs in the pack, but her verbatim response, "I never saw him hit you." My father feels the same way.

Well duh, how many abusive men openly abuse their significant other, children or other family members out in the open. It's usually behind closed doors in the HOME where they are most comfortable.

Our other HUGE problem is the fact that it was not signed into law as an actual offense until 1994. History clearly shows that most Domestic Violence is done by men against women. Mind you, YES, there are instances of a man being abused by another man or by his significant other (a female) but the instances are far out weighed by the obvious (man being violent against a woman and/or the children).

Then let's throw into the mix the "good ole' boy network" here in W. MI. Think it does not exist? Here is MY true story:

In 2002, we made news around here due to my now ex having a stand-off with the police. Mind you - they now reflect upon it as an attempted "blue suicide" (my ex hoping they would shoot and kill him). My ex chose the Hadley Center over jail. Everyone surrounded him with love, acceptance, and help. Not a single person even bothered to ask if I was okay, or examine me. I was COVERED with huge, black and blue bruises. When I informed my then husband, he threatened me not to tell anyone. Gee, I just went through a truamatizing experience where he is locking and loading his semi-automatic and going nuts, while I am trying to stop him while on the phone with 911 and waiting at least a half hour for the police to show up. Do you think I'm going to take his threats seriously? HELL YEAH!

I had already been a regular victim of verbal, emotional, and mental abuse for a very long time (most of our 19 year marriage - 19 years as of when the judge finally signed the divorce papers). The last two years (from 2002 to 2004) my now ex escalated to very physical violence. He would routinely grab me, shove me against a wall, or against something to where I could not get away and strangle me. He would hit me, shove me, you name it.

He also attempted to bash our son's head in with a rock one time. I would call that attempted murder. The police, my own lawyer, all other officials in the area - all the way on up to the Judge in Oceana County refused to believe anything. They refused to do anything. Quite frankly, my children and I lived in fear, and we learned that NO official could be trusted our counted upon for help. We were basically "pooh-poohed" and laughed at.

And the way the system is run around here, they enable the abuser to continually use the system to abuse their victim(s) by looking the other way and ignoring the real problem - THE ABUSER - and not taking action against him.

My now ex had felony charges that were never truly brought against him after his 2002 standoff with the police. I was in so many words "threatened" by the then Chief of Police that I better stay with my now ex or I'd be in trouble and that he had my parents watching ME to report to him if I tried to leave or anything. hmmmmmm

In 2004 when the police were called again for Domestic Violence, I was informed that, "The law is the law and when they caught up with my husband, he would be arrested for Domestic Violence." (Mind you - he had taken off before the police arrived.)

When they caught up with him, they had him pack his bags and leave. When I realized what they were doing, I DEMANDED that he be arrested as they had previously informed me. They let him go. In other words, it was okay that he had been grabbing me by my hair and flinging me around in our driveway, hitting me repeatedly and threatening me. The particular State Police officer from Hart fudged the police report and stated that it was a mutual decision that he leave the home.

The very same Chief of Police (mentioned above from the 2002 incident and the one who informed me that I was being watched and had to stay with my husband) was called on the phone by a Women's Shelter worker and put me on the phone. I informed him of the previous day's incident where they did not arrest my husband. He said there was nothing he could do because the State Police are above his jurisdiction.

Side note: I later had an advocate from COVE (she no longer works there) as this very same Chief of Police why he NEVER pulled out the felony charges sitting in the bottom of his drawer from 2002 and use those to arrest my husband when he KNEW of the domestic violence the very next day.

His reply: A BLANK STARE.

I want ALL to know that the statue of limiations runs out on those felony charges on my now ex this December 2008. They have NEVER been formally brought against him.

This was only the beginning of the abuse of the children and myself. It continued with my ex sending the FBI Terrorist Div after me to our home, CPS a couple times, Animal Control... My lawyer never shared any of this with the judge. I would try to get it entered into record, but would be shut down.

I learned from a CPS worker one day that IF (God forbid I would have been that stupid) I had ever taken my now ex back, and CPS caught wind of it, they would remove the kids from the home for endangering their lives and forcing them to be under the same roof as their father. Yet, here was the judge, FORCING me to FORCE the children to go to FORCED supervised visitation every week and the kids wanted nothing to do with their father and were just as afraid of him as I was.

Something is SERIOUSLY WRONG with the system and officials unfortunately do NOT care about the well being and safety of women and children. Heck FOC wasn't much of a help either. And FOC is supposed to be pro-child(ren).

If I am incorrect about how the system feels about women and children, then perhaps we need to see them outwardly change the way they act. REMEMBER, actions speak way louder than words.

I know too many victims of abuse in this area (women and children) where the system still has yet to take ANY of this seriously.

Want to start helping in this area to make a difference? Send an email to:

DV_watch@hotmail.com

A new organization is starting in the area called Domestic Violence Watch of Western Michigan.

You are welcome to get in on the ground floor and make a difference in the area whether you are male or female, young or old.

Respectfully submitted in the hopes of lifting the veil off eyes.

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Permalink Reply by Suzie Anthony on July 25, 2008 at 4:13pm

Thank you Lady Briana & Spoiled Brat for your comments.
Here is a good example of just one of the very many domestic violence cases that have happened in our area...I commend you , Lady Briana, for the courage to share your story with us all. Blessings to you !

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Permalink Reply by Christina on August 14, 2008 at 2:22pm

Wow thanks for sharing that story. I am glad that you ended up coming out of it ok. You sound like a very determined person and I think that you are very strong. You did the right thing not only for you but for your children. Hope the new organization gets off with a good start!! I tried to email you but it came back as failed. maybe you can email me first?

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Permalink Reply by Jo on July 25, 2008 at 8:45pm

Suzie,
Domestic Violence is a crime that touches everyone. We all know someone who has been in a domestic violence or dating violence relationship. However it is usually someone that is close to us, a family member (daughter or mother), neighbor, co-worker or friend that needs out help before we start educating ourselves and gain a true understanding of the life style of control and power that is chosen by the batterer to utilize to keep the family home similiar to a war zone, where the family never knows when the bomb is going to drop, but they are always on the alert.

Unfortunately, the community many times are manipulated by batterers also, as they convince others that it is the victims fault as it had to be their behavior that makes them constantly act this way,except when he's with you at that time he is the nice guy .(I say he because most of the time it is men who perpetrate violence on women, men and children). If the victim is a alcoholic, drug user, mentally ill, it is easy to place the blame on her. However NO ONE deserves to be treated with disrespect, hit, beaten, sexually assaulted or murdered because they have a disease. And the batterer is making the choice to use these methods. He could also make a choice to walk away from the relationship but chooses not to. And many women drink, use drugs and try suicide as an escape or to appease the batterer because in reality the batterer encourages her sickness as he has a fear of losing control if she should get healthy. He does not look like a monster to the community, he goes to church, he may be a minister, police officer, factory worker, make $8,000. or $180,000.

If the community would recognize the cost of domestic violence to all of us. Not only in the salary of the law enforcement and courts but in medical bills, counsiling bills, court and attorney costs, lost work time and in addition to this the impact it has on the children that grow up in a violent home. But most importantly the partners, children and friends who are murdered by their batterer usually at the time they are trying to leave or have left these relationships. They do not like to lose total control!

I encourage anyone that is interested in domestic violence to visit your local library or internet. There are many resources available on the subject. When we can come together as a community and start holding batterer's accountable for their behavior, we would have a true understanding and stop asking why does she stay with him? She must like it. Instead we would respond by saying he hurt his partner and his children and there are "No Excuses" and we are not going to accept this behavior. We would embrace the partner and her children who he has terrrorized and made sure she had a safe place to live, enough money to support herself and children comfortable, counsiling for the trauma, dependable child support payments, no joint custody and very limited and supervised visitation with the children.

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Permalink Reply by Suzie Anthony on July 28, 2008 at 6:10pm

Thanks, Jo, for your input. We would like to hear from more people on this very important issue. Thanks !

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Permalink Reply by Robert Woody, PhD, JD on July 29, 2008 at 2:54pm

Several of the comments on the topic of domestic violence support the need for greater availability of high quality mental health services. Looking back over the past forty or so years in Michigan, there has been a substantial decrease in mental health services. Initially this was supposedly to deinstitutionalize folks who could receive better care in the community. Of course this was a fiction. Because of budget decreases and changes in societal priorities, many former residents of long-term care facilities were left in their communities without adequate treatment or support services. As they struggled onward, they formed relationships, had children, and too often engaged in conduct that was a manifestation of their mental illness. In addition to seeking to counteract domestic violence per se, I respectfully suggest that there should be an outcry by all Michiganians for mental health services. Bob Woody, PhD, JD (www.bobwoodyhelpspsychology.com)

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Permalink Reply by Suzie Anthony on July 30, 2008 at 8:07pm

This is also very true... thank you Dr. Bob for sharing this with us.

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Permalink Reply by kathryn diane austin" loney" on July 28, 2008 at 9:34pm

hi suzanne,
I am so sorry about your daughter,the police with reports know of this abuse and should take more drastic action.I once was in a violent relationship,he brain washed me to point i thought i was worthless,no one cared or could help.the more i told the worse abuse i got.You should write govenors,and senators and maybe something will move faster.I lost only son at 19 ,not from violence but i feel for you it rips your heart out.Just knowing they were physically and mentally abused is awful.and you feel so alone,they threaten you,kids and family.you tell abuse is worse. Im so sorry for you and your daughter i hope some one gets out of chairs and do something to make protection work better. kathryn austin

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Permalink Reply by Daniel on July 29, 2008 at 10:16pm

Reading this subject does bring concern to this society we live in today , it might as well be the 19th century ,because it seems nothing has changed concerning the treatment of woman . i,being male am appalled by the way woman are subjected in the negative sense when it comes to their safety and the children as well .... from their own husbands , who state that they love them , add onto that the system that is supposed to protect us all .

After reading the comments i sat for awhile thinking , trying to understand why we allow such abuse to keep happening and turning the other way as to not notice these woman and children in their dire straits . they can't stay nor can they leave so what other options do they have ? i decided to ask for an opinion which would know more of this subject that i am aware of ....... so i asked my lady what her thoughts were concerning this subject ....... what she told me me made my blood run cold and i must admit ....... at that moment i was ashamed to be a man .

and this is the reason why : a man which tries to keep a woman by his side through sheer terror and intimidation does not care whether she is happy with him or not ... just so long as she is there
to serve him dinner ,wash his clothes , and so on . he has no idea what a loving relationship with a woman is nor how to interact with his children . this is what is being dealt with , like a child that never had to share anything is then asked to share his toys despite he no longer plays with them
[ putting things into perspective ] he no longer loves her but also does not want anyone else to have her as well ........... add onto this he does not want her to be happy in any respect . he wants to hurt her not just physically but mentally as well , and never stops to consider the children's welfare and their emotional well being .

if at this point whoever is reading this ask : where is he going with this ? here is the answer ....
i admire and respect the woman who finally says enough is enough and no more ..... i am sure you have heard this from other women , but in case you haven't heard it from a man ,allow me to be the first to congratulate you . maybe this does not solve anything , but then i would want you to understand and believe ....... that not all men are alike .

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Permalink Reply by Suzie Anthony on July 30, 2008 at 8:03pm

Daniel,
thank you so much for your reply, and much needed male insight on this very troubling subject.
I'm sure we would all like to hear more on this subject from men . Your Lady is lucky to have a smart and understanding guy like you. Again, Thanks for your input !

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Permalink Reply by Jo on July 29, 2008 at 10:28pm

It was refreshing to hear a man's point of view on domestic violence. Thank you Daniel. Many men have watched sisters, mothers, friends, etc. in these relationships. And yes, there are lots of good men that choose not to use their physical stength and anger and have happy, healthy relationships. I wish more men and boys would Speak Out on this issue and share that it is NOT OK.

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Permalink Reply by LadyBriana on July 30, 2008 at 1:47am

Thank you, Daniel, for your thoughts and perspective. ANY of you who have compassion and understanding for the plight of a woman like myself who has gone through it WITHOUT the help of family, start contacting COVE here in Ludington and offer your assistance in ANY way. I want you to put yourself in MY shoes. I had to deal with my family going against me. I stayed for way too long on my marriage. Mine started the first year after I ended up having to follow my husband across the country after we married. When I tried to call my parents to tell them what was going on, my mother informed me that I made my bed, now I lie in it. My father got on the phone and informed me that I was not a good enough wife. Right then and there, I KNEW I had no where to go. And I still believe to this day, that law inforcement all the way from the FEMALE police officer who let my now ex go rather than arrest him and then blatently lied in the police report all the way on up to the judge doesn't give a damn about us.

It's amazing that my children and I are still alive. And no, not even my lawyer gave a crap. Hell, he is still sending me bills that I am unable to pay and he NEVER finalized anything properly in my divorce. My ex practically got away with murder. They would treat ax murderers in these three counties (provided he's male) better than women and children (like my kids and me) no matter what!

It's a tragic shame, and a complete travesty of justice. I could name names of EVERYONE behind the BS that goes on around here (just in my case alone). But my kids need me. I am ALL they have. Oh.. and if you want to hear a really good one? I actually had people I didn't know who knew about my case, warn me not to mess with the judge. That I did not realize who I was dealing with and that my kids needed me alive.

Hmmmmm.. now what the hell is THAT supposed to mean? Was the judge sleeping with my dad, AND my ex? Or getting paid to be a jackass sitting on a bench? Mind you, my lawyer (who is from Ludington) did NOTHING for me either.

Also, have any of you noticed a trend with men when it comes to divorce? They would rather KILL their wife than let her divorce them. Makes you think you are living in India. They have a term there called "Burning Brides". Mind you, they still cook with open flames. The man who wants to be rid of his wife, just conveniently creates a kitchen fire. Perhaps Mason, Oceana, and Lake counties are becoming a third world country all their own...

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